


You Say That I'm The Devil (and I don't disagree)

by loochskywalker



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Closeted Character, Dysfunctional Relationships, Infidelity, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Panic Attacks, Secret Marriage, Talks of Divorce, Unreliable Narrator, everyone makes mistakes, it's how you learn from them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-05 18:08:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11018763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loochskywalker/pseuds/loochskywalker
Summary: You don’t learn how to treat people right by doing it your whole life. Matt learned that one the hard way. You have to fuck up so you learn how not to next time. You have to make people cry, lash out a few times, forget to keep your pain inside, and then you step back and survey the damage and promise to not make the same mistakes again. The problem was Matt made so many different mistakes, and they were all against one person. There was no way to come back from that.But he learned. That’s all that mattered.





	You Say That I'm The Devil (and I don't disagree)

**Author's Note:**

> I guess I can't write fic about Matt without putting him through hell but anyway! here i am, starting a new relationship tag on ao3 lmao. as usual this is fiction and is only intended as such.
> 
> Anyway this is a really heavy that deals with some really heavy stuff and i go into more depth at the end notes if you want to be sure. There is no physical abuse here just two characters who are really human making really human mistakes and trying their best to work it out. If you have the idea that one mistake makes a person bad you're not going to like any of these characters. But all of them, including their mistakes, are good people. 
> 
>  
> 
> I promise though, there's a happy ending !

Toronto is new and exciting but perhaps most importantly, Toronto is not New York City. Not that Matt necessarily wants to run from New York City, because in a lot of ways it’s still home, but every now and then it’s just time to start over. So moving his ass up to Toronto, to play with the Leafs, making more money than he ever would have if he stayed, is the best possible decision he could have made. 

Matt really is excited for it, excited to be in a room with all that youthful energy, excited to play with Babcock who already has so much respect for him. He knows the type of player he is and the leafs know it, and he’s only expected to be himself. The pressure of not living up to expectations others have set for him, fairly or unfairly, lifts off of him when he steps into his new apartment.

There’s no one here to disappoint.

Matt knows first and foremost he’s there as a good example, he’s there because he’s a good guy, because he knows how to talk to the young guys, and he knows how to respect everyone while not letting them get away with shit. Matt knows how to pull a guy aside as to not embarrass them and explain to them why certain behavior is wrong and he knows how to do it in a calm voice so they know he’s helping them. Matt is gentle and sturdy and guys rely on him to be that for them. They rely on him to tell them what’s right and wrong, and look to him for praise when they get something right after he’s corrected them. So he knows why he’s there, but he didn’t get good at all of that by being perfect himself.

When Matt was a rookie in the NHL he was 21 in New York City, stumbling around the league trying to find his footing, punching anything that moved just to get to stay up in the big leagues. It worked but Matt felt like he was drowning. And he made a lot of mistakes because of that. 

Fighting to hide his sexuality Matt closed himself off, isolated himself, was quiet in the locker room, treated his teammates like media members. He didn’t know how to be himself because for years he always felt he had to change who he was just to get a chance to be anybody. Even with those he knew would never look down on him, like his family and closest friends,  he didn’t know how to be open with them. Everything was so scary, trusting people was so scary. Matt closed up, pulled away, and sank into something dark and lonely.

It wasn’t until Matt met a guy that he was pulled out of it. Stupid and stumbling he fell in love almost immediately; this fiery and hysterical thing that made him feel absolutely fucking insane, out of this  _ world _ , but he didn’t want to come back down. It was so lonely in his empty apartment, but in Brian’s it was open and fantastic and he felt, for the first time ever, he could really be himself. 

And that was the other thing, because Matt didn’t just fall in love with a guy. He fell in love with Brian Boyle, his rival on the New York Rangers. They were both young although Matt was 4 years younger. He knew what attracted him to Brian, the fact that he was big and sturdy and safe and had this really soft voice that kept all the bad things away. But he didn’t know why Brian was attracted to him, he always would talk about how  _ pretty _ Matt was, but that was it. 

He didn’t have many good things to say about Matt now, not that he could blame them.

Because you don’t learn how to treat people right by doing it your whole life. Matt learned that one the hard way. You have to fuck up so you learn how not to next time. You have to make people cry, lash out a few times, forget to keep your pain inside, and then you step back and survey the damage and promise to not make the same mistakes again. The problem was Matt made so many different mistakes, and they were all against one person. There was no way to come back from that.

But he learned. That’s all that mattered. 

Sure they eloped at some court house at 3 pm on a Wednesday after only a year of dating, but they were in  _ love _ and if Brian had any inclination it wouldn’t work out he certainly didn’t tell Matt. 

He figured they both probably learned from that particular mistake.

So Matt’s in Toronto, to teach rookies how to be men, to create an open and safe environment in the locker room, and most importantly probably, teach the rookies not to get married until they’re at least 30. No matter how in love they are.

 

******

 

“This is stupid!” Matt heard his voice get impossibly high as he said it, could feel it too with the way he pressed a hand to his throat in shock.

“Okay? So what? We’re hockey players we’re not supposed to be smart. That’s why we became hockey players!” 

“You have a degree” Matt pointed out.

Brian shrugged, “So what?” He repeated.

“So what? Marriage is like...it’s a  _ thing _ , it’s a spend-the-rest-of-your-life-together  _ thing _ . And how pissed will our parents be when they find out we fucking, did this behind their backs? I’m not even out to my parents if I just come home one day and say ‘yeah I married a dude’, that’s going to make an even bigger thing. We can’t get married Brian!”

“Are you saying no?” 

Matt pursed his lips and reeled back a little. Did he really just miss the whole rant? It wasn’t about whether Matt wanted to or not, marriage wasn’t about if you wanted to do it or not. Marriage was about a bunch of things, like family and togetherness and commitment forever. Matt’s only 23. Forever is a long time for him.

“It’s not about that” Matt said, “it’s about the…”

“I know what you said it’s about.” Brian reached for his hands as he started to flail them a little helplessly. “But all of that, we can figure out together okay? Yeah it’s all going to be difficult but the point of getting married is that when it comes time to do it we’ll be doing it together. You won’t have to be alone when you come out to them and trust me, my parents will kill me too. But if I have you, then who gives a shit? I certainly don’t.”

“Brian,” Matt said helplessly, “you’re supposed to be the adult here.”

“So then trust me.”

Matt took a deep breath and looked down at where Brian was still holding his arms. Brian was the only one who could completely subdue him when he was so close to a freak out, grab him and keep him close until everything calmed down. Matt was a ticking time bomb full of panic instead of explosives, ready to go off at any second and destroy himself from the inside. But Brian held the pieces together, rebuilt him. 

“O...Okay” Matt looked up at him, “Let’s get married then, I guess.”

*******

 

Playing babysitter in Toronto means he can’t leave Mitch like this, even locked out of his room. He’s tired and they have a plane to catch early but Matt can’t, knowing that as he leans against the door Mitch is on the other side shaking and crying. 

“Mitchy, we all make mistakes like that, they don’t destroy us,” Matt tries to say calmly through the door, not sure if Mitch can hear him. “You’re a good person, good things happen to good people.”

There’s no response but Matt can see Mitch’s shadow below the door, he knows he’s still there.

“Please let me in, Mitchy” Matt tries, “let me help you.” he punctuates his words with a gentle knock, trying to make his intentions clear. 

“You won’t be able to, not with this” Mitch finally says back, his voice a little bit broken.

If only he knew, honestly. 

“I think you’d be surprised how much I can relate to this. Besides, you came to me with something very personal, you trust me. So I want to trust you too. I think if we can trust each other and share pieces of ourselves, we’ll both feel better.” Matt pauses, “I just want to help, that’s what I’m here for.”

There’s a long pause after Matt says that before he hears rustling behind the door and stands up quickly, just in time for Mitch to open the door. Somewhere between freaking out in the elevator to Matt and now, he grabbed a hoodie and threw it on. He looks red and feverish and his eyes are rubbed raw. God it’s only been a few minutes but he looks  _ terrible _ .

Matt steps into the room and shuts the door behind him gently, as to not spook Mitch further. The room is empty and maybe he should be more concerned about where Hyman is, but Zach takes care of himself well, there’s not a lot that Matt can teach him. So he decides, after evaluating the situation, a post-breakdown Mitch is more concerning. He still makes a mental note to text Zach later to make sure he’s okay, though.

“What?” Mitch asks blandly, “what wisdom are you going to bestow upon me?”

“You don’t know if he’s going to do anything,” Matt says.

“But he  _ could! _ ”

“I know.” Matt does his best to stay calm, “I know and that’s so scary, having some stranger know something so personal about you. But you have to have faith that no matter what comes from this, you will make it out okay, you’re one of the strongest people I know and you worked your ass off to get here. One asshole isn’t going to take that from you.”

“He could.”

“Mitch,” Matt sighs, “come here,” he walks Mitch to the bed with a light hand on his back and they sit down together, Matt trying to stay as comforting as possible without pushing too hard. Mitch already feels so violated, Matt doesn’t want to make that worse.

“I haven’t been in this exact situation before” Matt starts, “because they didn’t have all these weird apps back in my day. If someone tried to tell other people I was gay, well mostly no one would care because who cared about some fourth liner in a city that big, but also no one would believe them. So it is different I know that but…”

“Wait,” Mitch sniffles, “you’re gay?” 

Matt nods sturdy, “and I struggled with it for a long time. But you find people who help you learn to love yourself and things get better. Even through all the scares like this, your life won't end just because you’re gay.”

“I don’t want to say it could again but…”

“Literally, yes, it could,” Matt agrees, “But too many people love you and want to protect you from that. It’d be really hard for you if someone outed you but, a screenshot through snapchat that accidentally shows your face isn’t going to make me or your family abandon you when you need us the most.” Matt rubs his back slowly and squeezes his shoulder, “if I knew where he lived I’d go break his phone right now, but we don’t even know that he knows who you are.”

Mitch nods slowly, casting his eyes down on the floor, “I know it must seem like I’m overreacting but...there’s just so much to lose.”

Matt rubs his back again as he says, “I know, I know.”

“I’m not…” Mitch looks back up at him, “gay you know? I’m bi so I can still...but for you, what do you do?”

Matt shrugs, “I’m still young, I have time to figure it out.”

Mitch moves his hand up and places it on top of Matt’s where it rests on Mitch’s shoulder, “Okay I just don’t think someone like you deserves to be alone, is all,” Mitch says, “and if...if you can understand how I feel you must be scared too. No one should be scared to love, ya know?”

“Yeah, trust me, I know that feeling,” 

Mitch smiles at Matt, through the redness and the tear stains. Matt loves him. Not like he loved Brian. But like the time when he thought everything was going to crash down around him and so he went to the animal shelter, just to get someone who would be there with him when things crashed down. Not that he was comparing Mitch to a dog, but that maybe he had someone to lean on for the first time in a long time.

Mitch leans into Matt’s chest then and closes his eyes a little, wrapping his arms around his middle. He feels tired in Matt’s arms, and he probably is, after the game and the emotional rollercoaster he just got off. Matt thinks the kid deserves at least a few days of rest. He really is a lot stronger than Matt ever was.

 

*****

 

“I’ve never…” Matt pulled away to look up at Brian. 

“What?” Brian asked.

Matt should have known how to answer that question but the problem was there were too many. I’ve never been with a guy taller than me, I’ve never had sex with a guy, I’ve never done more than jerk someone else off, I’ve never been kissed like this. So many I’ve nevers. So Matt just blinked at him, confused and a little dazed.

“We don’t have to do anything here,” Brian said, but Matt wasn’t sure how much he believed him. Brian put a lot of work into bringing Matt back to his apartment, if he left after just some light petting he didn’t see that pleasing Brian too much. And god, he wanted to please Brian.

It wasn’t every day a man like Brian tried to pick Matt up, hell it never happened before in his life. No guy even wanted to look him in the face which was usually fine with Matt because he wasn’t looking into anyone else's face either. But Brian singled him out in the bar, slid up next to him and started talking to him. They talked about hockey for a little, just to acknowledge they both knew who the other was, before they strayed from it. Brian told him he threw a good hit and Matt let out an embarrassed smile. Then they talked about NYC traffic and bike lanes.

An hour and a few drinks later and here they are. And Matt doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know what’s expected of him.

Brian is three inches taller than him at least, could probably kill him with his bare hands, and has facial hair that even Matt’s dad would be jealous of. There’s no mistaking Brian for anything other than a hockey player. And Matt wanted that so bad. 

He just doesn’t want to disappoint anybody.

So Matt said, “I want to I just...don’t…”

“That’s okay” Brian interrupted, “you can just lay back and let me handle it.”

Matt swallowed at the thrill that sent up his spine and nodded. He could do that. He could let Brian take control of...everything. If that was what he wanted.

Matt stopped Brian before he went to kiss him, before they got too far, “you’re not going to tell anyone though, right?” he asked.

“What? That I fucked you?”

He had a point.

“You’re safe here Matt.”

 

******

 

The NHL is set up in a way that you have to do something out of your comfort zone almost daily to get ahead. You have to push yourself past what you know you can do to figure out your limits. That part of the game is most noticeable in the playoffs, when guys are playing quadruple OTs and scoring game winners that make you feel like superman. 

This Leafs team has a long way to go to get there though. They keep giving up leads and dropping it in the third. It’s frustrating for Matt, mostly because he’s one of the only ones  _ not _ getting frustrated. He knows the drill. He knows you play like you’re down one in the third every second of the game, he’s been around long enough to know that. But the moment the other team scores against them he can feel it on the bench, the way all the rookies notice the scoreboard, how everyone just deflates. 

But Matt learned how to not let that happen to him by going through it a few times, like with everything else. So Matt isn’t frustrated at the boys as much as he’s frustrated that it keeps happening. By the look on Matthews’ face though, he probably wishes the most that he could just skip to the being good part.

“Hey,” Matt pulls him aside one day, “It’s a long season, if you start getting frustrated now you’ll be burnt out before the 50th game mark,” Matt tries to tell him, “have faith in yourself and in the system and the goals and wins will come. You have to learn to get through this and then you’ll have that talent in your back pocket for the rest of your career. You gotta earn your stripes you know?”

Auston makes a face at him but nods slowly, “it’s just…”

“What?” Matt asks trying to keep his voice as light as possible.

“I’m the hero you know? Our first game they were chanting  _ my name _ and we weren’t even in Toronto. I know...I know Willy and Mitch and Zach and...everyone else is a big part of this team I know that but it feels different. It feels like, I’m supposed to be the one to lift up this team and save it.” Auston sounds pained, but he keeps going, “I know I shouldn’t think that way but it’s hard not too. I don’t want to let anyone down.”

Matt places a gentle hand on Auston’s shoulder, “even as a fourth liner who barely made it, I felt the way you did as a rookie,” Matt tells him, “we all want to do our best and be the best but some days those two things aren’t the same. I only scored two goals in a game once and I came away feeling like the next big thing after,”

Auston laughs at that and Matt smiles.

“Babs has expectations for all of us, don’t listen to anyone else okay? I know it feels big and important but he’s the one who’s going to keep you here. And trust me, you’ve exceeded everybody’s expectations and he understands more than anyone else that slumps happen and goals don’t go in just because you really, really, want them too. And it’s his job to find out how to get you scoring again. All you can do is your best and just trust that those around you have your best interests at heart.”

Auston nods, “I know but…”

“Yeah?” Matt prompts when he doesn’t go on immediately.

“First overall pick has a lot of weight to it. First player to score four goals in an NHL debut. It’s just a lot of stuff Matt, a lot of stuff I don’t know if I can live up to.”

“Don’t worry about that yet,” Matt tells him, “Don’t worry about it until you do it. You’re 19, you’re going to finish this year being 19. You have plenty of years to live up to that and if you work hard, you can do it. This isn’t about pressure or expectations Auston, it’s about who you are as a person and if you can meet the challenge instead of letting it get to you. Be kind to yourself okay? You deserve it, especially if you’re going to be the savior here.”

Auston laughs at that too, short but enough.

Matt pats him on the shoulder again, “anything else you need?” he asks, serious.

“No,” Auston shakes his head, “Just, thanks Marty, seriously.”

“Of course, Matts” 

 

******

 

Matt was supposed to be out there on the ice but the Lightning had come back into their zone too quickly for him to change on. And it was all Brian’s fault. Brian, who’s 6 foot 6 and 240 pounds, managed to get the puck back into their zone so fast not because he’s a speedy skilled guy, but because he hit Hickey in the head with his elbow. Hickey didn’t even come up to his shoulder and Matt was ready to hop over the boards and tear into him. 

How dare he go after a guy that size, and how dare he do it in an OT playoff game, leaving one of their defensemen back on the play. 

When Brian scored a few seconds later Matt was still reeling about the hit, even as Brian was piled onto by his teammates. Matt didn’t know how he was supposed to look at him that night.

He managed, somehow.

They were both sore when they undressed for bed, moving slowly. At least that was their excuse for not touching each other once since they entered the bedroom. But it was the playoffs. That is a good excuse.

It still felt tense when they finally laid in bed, even when Matt turned on his side and Brian threw an arm around him. The spooning was forced, Brian’s arm was tense and there was a mile of space in between them. Spooning is supposed to make you feel safe, but Matt just felt stuck, locked in.

It became evident, after a few minutes, that neither of them were going to sleep.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Matt muttered, “He’s only 6 feet tall.”

“Whatever,” Brian hissed back, “it’s the playoffs and I’m trying to sleep.”

“Fuck you,” Matt shot back, “You think I don’t know what you feel like when you’re not sleeping?”

Brian doesn’t say anything.

“You may have hated me for most of it, but we have been married for 5 years, you learn shit in 5 years. And it’s true, you didn’t have to go after him.”

“We won,” Brian said, “Obviously I did. And sorry I didn’t stop to think whether or not you would approve of it. I’ll make sure to take your feelings into account next time.”

“You can stop being a dick for two seconds, I’m just trying to talk here.”

“No you’re berating me for winning a game. It’s the playoffs, this is how you need to play, maybe you should take a few pointers.”

“I’ll make sure to do that” Matt stared intently at the wall across the room, back still towards Brian, “when I take Stamkos out next game, I’ll make sure to tell him you said so.”

“You’re such a piece of shit sometimes, Matt.”

“Look who’s fucking talking,”

“I never cheated.”

Matt wanted to turn around and hit him so badly then, just really fucking deck him in the eye. Brian didn’t even fucking care about that anymore, only brought it up whenever Matt had anything to complain about.

“That's not a fucking trump card” Matt said, “it happened years ago and it was one time. You want to act like you’re the better husband, than sure. But if I’m so terrible, being better than me is still far from perfect.”

“You can say that again.”

 

******

 

“I didn’t mean to” Willy says in a quiet voice, “He just…”

“What?” Matt asks

“I thought it was a joke until it wasn’t. I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings, I just...wasn’t thinking, but…” Willy put his face in his hands, “I’m not a bad guy I swear.”

“I know that” Matt says, “Brownie knows that too, I promise. We can’t be perfect all the time you know? Sometimes we’re going to make mistakes, sometimes we’re going to make really bad ones. But that doesn’t make us a bad person. Our mistakes don’t define us it’s how we grow and learn from those mistakes.”

Willy peers up at him at that and makes a face, “I feel like I’m talking to a fortune cookie.”

Matt rolls his eyes but smiles, “I know, sorry. But it really is true. I’ve done some...terrible stuff in my lifetime, a lot worse than just taking teasing too far with one of my teammates. And look at me, I’m still here, still helping people. Because that mistake I made years ago isn’t who I am. I let it teach me what it needed to teach me and moved on.”

“What was it?” Willy asks.

“Oh.” Matt frowns and shrugs, “the specifics aren’t important, but I hurt someone really important to me really bad and he never forgave me for that but you know what? It hurts and it sucks but it’s still okay. Because I’m here, now, for you. And we’re going to figure this out.”

“I don’t want Brownie to never forgive me.”

“Come on,” Matt says, “you joked that he had no friends one too many times. Brownie is a hockey player, he’s tough as hell, you’re going to come back from this. You’re going to win games together and that'll wash it all away. And you know now, to not say those things again and risk hurting his feelings.”

“I do,” Willy sits up straight and nods his head once, sure of himself, “I just need to apologize to him in a way that he’ll listen to me.”

“Give him time” Matt offers, “let him know you’re there but let him process his feelings first before you apologize. Otherwise you’ll just be giving him an avenue to use you and your willingness to make things better.”

Willy makes a face, “That could happen?”

“It happens,” Matt says, “Sometimes apologies can make things worse you know? They’re not about making you feel better or proving you’re a good person, they’re about the other person's feelings and the actions you take afterwards. And if the person isn’t ready to hear it, they’ll think you’re just doing it to absolve yourself. Brownie isn’t an angry person though, I’m sure he’ll get through it by tomorrow.”

“You sure?”

“Well I can’t be, but try interacting with him a little bit, tell him a small joke, get him something, see how he reacts to you doing that. And then if it’s positive pull him to the side like this, and apologize for what you did and say you’ll never do it again. It doesn’t have to be more complicated that than. Sincerity doesn’t need a show.”

Willy nods, “Yeah, that’s...good. That’s good. Thank you Marty.”

“If you ever need any more tips on how to apologize just let me know, I should have my PhD in that already.”

Willy laughs but Matt isn’t sure if he understands how true it is.

 

******

 

“What do you  _ mean _ it was an accident? How do you  _ accidentally _ cheat on me?” Matt flinched away from Brian’s yelling voice, instinctively raised his arms in front of him when Brian stepped closer. “Oh cut the bullshit victim act” Brian grabbed his wrists and tore them away from Matt’s chest, “I’m not going to fucking hit you, you’re the piece of shit here.”

“I’m  _ sorry _ ” Matt said again, “Brian I swear, I know it sounds stupid but I didn’t do it to hurt you or us, or whatever. It wasn’t...I told you right after it happened Brian I’m  _ sorry _ .”

“Yeah you’re sorry now,”

“I was sorry immediately! Right after you were all I could think about,  _ I love you _ .”

“So you thought about me after but what about before? What were you thinking about when you were trying to get your dick in some 20 year old kid? Thinking about me afterwards doesn’t do shit Matt if you weren’t thinking about me  _ before _ .”

“I  _ know _ ” Matt was sobbing now, “I’m sorry I made a mistake, please,”

“Fuck you” Brian shoved Matt away, “I’m the one who is supposed to be hurt and you think you can just work yourself up to tears and pout at me and then everything will be okay? You’re a fucking mess, you should be ashamed of yourself.”

“No, no, I’m crying because…”

“Why? Why do you get to cry?”

“Because I feel  _ bad _ , because I feel bad for hurting  _ you _ . Brian, just because I did a bad thing doesn’t mean that takes away my humanity. I love you. You’re my husband you’re my…”

“Yeah, that was my fault,” Brian said.

“What?” Matt asked.

“Being your husband, that was my fault, that was my mistake, you were right we never should have done it,” Brian pulled away and ran his hand through his hair anxiously, “I wouldn’t fucking be in this mess if I had just let you be the one night stand you obviously are.”

“That’s not…”

“We could have just kept fucking around because you love that so much but no, I had to push you.” He turned back to Matt, his gaze fiery but not in the usual way, Matt wanted to lift his arms back up again. “And I’m so sorry for that Matt, so sorry that I expected you to be committed and loyal, that I loved you. I’m sorry I ever gave you the chance because obviously I was just setting you up to fail. And that is my fault. This is just who you are. A slut.”

Matt rubbed at his eyes then and tried to breathe through the impending panic attack he could feel coming. Brian was so mad, he didn’t want to make him madder. 

Brian doesn’t say anything else but Matt could still feel him standing there, watching him. Matt tried his best to breathe through the tightness in his chest and the panic in his throat. He needed to throw up or throw himself out of the window. He didn’t deserve to be here. He didn’t deserve anything he didn’t…

Brian’s arms were around him, as tight and as sturdy as always but Matt didn’t know how to hug back.

“Lucky for you,” Brian said, voice softer but rough from the yelling, “I don’t give up so easy.”

 

******

 

The Bye week is new, that’s definitely something Matt has had no experience with. But the league is growing and changing and he’s kind of glad for it. He knows that after it their schedule is going to be even more packed than usual but still, it’s a nice way to hunker down and finally get some vitamin D. Also getting drunk with Mitch, CC, and CC’s girl is a good way to relax even though he feels way too old to be doing this.

Mitch and him end up alone together more often than not at night, and Mitch loves to talk. Which is fine because honestly Matt is done with the silence, likes the way Mitch and the other rookies try to fill up all the spaces in him.

“You ever like, date?” Mitch asks,

Matt laughs a little, leaning against the railing looking out across the pool, “why do you ask?”

“Just,” Mitch shrugs, “I keep thinking about like, you coming out to me and I haven’t even seen you look at another guy. I don’t know how you do it.”

“I date,” Matt tells him, he sighed and let his head drop for a few seconds before looking back up, “I’m with someone” he says, deciding finally to be honest.

“Wait really?” Mitch asks, “Since when? What the hell Marty why didn’t you tell me,”

“Since 2011,” Matt says and smiles when he sees Mitch’s eyes go wider, “You stop looking after a while, you just realize there’s no other view out there you know? It’s like, going camping away from the city and seeing how many stars there really are for the first time. You go back home and realize all the stars you saw before are just planes.” He looks back down towards the pool, “You just stop looking for stars after you’ve found them all.”

“Wow,” Mitch says, “that’s gay as hell Marty.”

Matt bumps into Mitch at that but they're both laughing.

“No that, it sounds nice, I’m happy for you.”

Matt wants to say he’s happy with it too but he doesn’t know how to say the last time he talked to his husband was beginning of August, when they talked about what they were going to do with the apartment in New York. 

The rest of it is still true though. Matt hasn’t been interested in anyone in a very long time. He’s been horny and stupid but even after so much time of separation he still can’t bring himself to cross that line with anyone else again. It’s not worth it. Even if Brian never thinks about him Matt never wants to even risk hurting him so badly again. At the end of the day it’s his punishment, never touching another man again is what he deserves after being too greedy about it. 

But he doesn’t need all of that anymore anyway. He has his purpose, he has his job, he’s making money even if it’s nearly impossible to tell what is his because of that stupid bank account. He’s making money though, and making sure 19 year olds make good decisions. It’s a better role than he could have written up himself.

“I don’t think I’ve seen anyone like that yet,” Mitch says,

Matt nods, “probably not you’re so young,”

“Well how old were you in 2011?”

“22”

“Okay, so yeah, I’m not that far off.”

“But it took me a while even when I had him,” Matt says, “love at first sight is bullshit you know? Love comes from time and comfort and contentment. Passion and fire is fun but it burns out so quick,” he shakes his head, “You need someone who, even if you know they’re not objectively good looking, they still take your breath away and make your chest hurt. That’s what love is. You’re not going to find the stars without making a trip.”

 

******

 

“Ha! You love it here!” Brian said happily as he watched Matt press into his reddened arm, “you got sunburned and you’re still smiling. See I told you Tampa wasn’t a big deal! It’s nice down here. And you look good in the sun.”

Matt rolled his eyes but he couldn’t deny it, couldn’t make himself stop smiling. 

“When your contract is up you should try to sign down here too,” Brian said, “we could be on the same team together. I know we’re working towards something here and I think the distance may be helping but closeness can help too. Married couples don’t usually live this far away from one another and only see each other during the off season.”

“We see each other like once during the regular season” Matt joked.

Brian smiled at him, “You want aloe for that?” he asked suddenly.

“Sure, it’s not too bad but just in case it dries out.”

“Exactly.”

Brian got up then and went into the bathroom. His house in Tampa was still all new to Matt, he wasn’t used to having space like this. Their apartment in New York wasn’t small or anything but it definitely wasn't a house and there definitely wasn’t a yard. He wasn’t used to being able to go outside with Brian and not worry about distance. 

The fence was high enough that they could go out there and grill and talk and kiss each other with the smoke rising around them and not worry about anything. They could share a beer and press close to one another and hold hands and it’s not a big deal. All out there in the open, not hiding, not really. And it was even better at night when Brian pulled Matt into the pool with him, pulling him close as they treaded water.

It had to be deep for Matt to not touch the ground but Brian more so. It worked though, Matt wasn’t sure how he found a house with a pool like this but he liked it all the same. Liked that he could worm his arms around Brian’s shoulder and lean in to kiss him, feeling the water droplets meet between them, tasting a little like chlorine but a lot like Brian. 

After all these years and he still tasted the same.

They’re adults they don’t have any other reason to be in the pull than to kiss and touch each other. So that’s what Matt did and felt it pour out of his body, the way he wanted to just consume Brian then and there.

A car went bye, a dog barked, Brian pulled away.

“What?” he asked,

“Inside,” Brian said, “I want to take you apart on my bed, I missed you so much.”

“Promise?” Matt asked, “that you missed me?”

“So much,” Brian repeated.

 

******

 

 

With the trade deadline coming up Matt can feel the buzz in the room. They’re right on the doorstep of the playoffs and everyone is looking around like scared cats, waiting for a teammate to just disappear into thin air. A lot of them haven’t been through an NHL trade deadline before but most of them have so there’s really no excuse for JVR to be checking his phone so much, unless he’s expecting another Polak trade. 

Matt doesn’t know what to expect either, he doesn’t have a ‘No Move’ or a ‘No Trade’ clause so technically he could be out of here in a few days too. But he knows better than to be worried about it. After weeks of Auston and Babcock raving about him to the media, after he took Mitch and Carrick on vacation during the bye week to keep them out of trouble, he feels pretty locked into this team. His on ice work may make him more of a liability but he’s been focusing so much of his energy off of it, he thinks it can be allowed.

He wasn’t supposed to come here to score goals, he was supposed to come here and make everyone feel good. That’s what he’s been working on.

It’s not easy to make everyone feel good around the trade deadline though because there really isn’t anything to say to that. Matt was never traded. He’s had teammates traded but it knocked the world out of under him just like it did for them. He doesn’t know what to do but to tell them that by Wednesday night this will all be done with. Some of them may be on the other side of the country but it will be over. 

“It just sucks” Auston says as he stares down at the cards in his hand, “I don’t want to lose any of the guys it’s like, we’ve fought so hard together all year and yeah we have some holes but I want to make the playoffs with  _ this _ team. I don’t want to lose Poly, or Willy, or whatever.”

“Yeah,” Mitch agrees from next to Matt, “like we’re in playoffs with this team. If we can make the playoffs we can win the cup, that’s how this works,” he bumps into Matt then, “right Marty?”

“I could use a center” Matt says, pretty sure the game of cards they were playing is over now.

“What i’m not good enough for you?” Matt looks up to see Auston pouting at him from across the table and he can’t help but laugh. 

“I get less minutes when you double shift” Matt points out, “besides I’m running around making sure no one takes out your knees the whole time. I need to get my scoring legs back and I can’t do that with you around.”

“Get them back?” Mitch asks, “you never had them in the first place!”

“Ha ha. That’s a new joke.”

Mitch grins at him, proud of himself.

“Centers are hard to come by” Auston says, “Like who’s even available,”

“I don’t know” Matt says, “I make a habit out of not paying attention to trade rumors, it just messes with your head.”

“Well I have!” Mitch announces unhelpfully, “They’re looking into Tampa, Filppula and Boyle I heard.”

“Boyle?” Matt asks, slow and trying to keep his voice calm, “Why him?”

“I don’t know” Mitch shrugs, looking back down at his cards even though no one’s made a move since forever ago, “he’s one of those established fourth line guys like you right? And they can use him on the penalty kill which we  _ need _ . Plus” he lowers his voice, “if they're trying to get rid of Bozak, they can use him to get Filppula and some pick for Boyle, the Lightning need cap space so that itself is a bargaining chip.”

“I’m telling Bozak you said that” Matt cuts in.

Mitch elbows him in the ribs swiftly, “shut up, you will not!” 

“He kinda has a point” Auston smirks, “dead weight” he mouths.

That makes Matt laugh and Mitch keep his lips pursed so he doesn’t. Matt doesn’t like to make a hobby out of talking shit about his teammates but Mitch has come to him enough times with frustration that his linemates can’t keep up with him that they’re pretty much allowed to at this point. Matt isn’t really one to talk but if Auston and Mitch rant to him about these things, if they find a safe space with him, he’s not going to turn them away. 

Matt’s good at taking abuse for others.

 

******

 

“I...I can’t believe this. There is no way this just happened,” Matt said, watching, stunned as Brian moved to pack a big open suitcase on their bed, “You don’t just randomly sign to another team, I knew you were thinking about not going back to New York but...Tampa? Really? And you didn’t think to tell me until the day before you left.”

“I knew you’d make a big deal about it,” Brian said, “And I’m never going to make this money in New York. Besides, same conference.”

“Same conference” Matt crossed his arms, “I can’t believe you, seriously? Why wouldn’t you talk to me about this kind of thing, this is a big deal, we have a joint bank account.”

“The bank account? Seriously” that made Brian stop, “This isn’t about a stupid fucking bank account Matt,” 

“Well you’re the one who brought up money like it mattered!” Matt tried back, “Brian you’re moving to _Florida_ _tomorrow_. How is this not a big fucking deal, how are you totally cool with all of this, how is this something you can just get up and do? Just leaving me here in New York like this? I’m your husband.”

Brian shook his head, “it’s not that simple anymore Matt, you made that clear when you…”

“Stop bringing up me and Casey!” Matt felt his voice go hysterically high, “this isn’t about me cheating on you this is about you moving to Tampa!”

“They can use me there, Cally is there,” Brian said, “I’ll be happier there, both of us will be happier with me there.”

“So you decided that without my consultation?”

“You’re fucking infuriating” Brian said, “You would have batted your eye lashes and pouted until you got your way, like you always do. Would have acted like me wanting to go to Tampa was a personal affront to you. I wasn’t going to give you that chance. We need fucking space Matt.”

“Well this is a lot of fucking space.”

“Good,”

Matt tensed his jaw like Brian hit him, “Are you fucking serious right now?”

“Do I look like I’m joking?” Brian asked, “Do you think I pick fights with you for fun?”

“Sometimes, yeah it seems like it” Matt said, “Sometimes it seems like all you really want to do is fight me. Because you can’t forgive me for anything and you still love to see me suffer for the mistakes I made as a kid.”

“Oh stop trying to absolve yourself from the responsibility of what you did. You weren’t a child you were 23 years old.”

“Either way it was two years ago.”

“Well this is why we need space” Brian said, “So we can forgive each other.”

“Did your therapist tell you this?”

Brian rolled his eyes so Matt took that as a yes.

 

*******

 

“They made a trade!!” Auston announces loudly,

“What?” Mitch leans over almost tripping over himself to get a look at Auston’s phone, “Who for what?!”

“It was just a pick and Froese” Auston looks up sheepishly at that and smiles, “but it’s for Boyle.”

Matt drops his fork immediately at that. There’s no way.

“What? Are you serious? You must be fucking joking.”

“No for real!” Auston turns his phone towards him, “read it, it says he’ll probably join us for the game tomorrow.”

Matt grabs Auston’s phone and scrolls through the article looking for something like, an early april fools or a bad source. He can’t find it, the tweet the article sources is directly from the Toronto Maple Leafs twitter. Matt hands Auston’s phone back before pushing his seat back away from the table so he can rest his forehead on the edge and take deep breaths. Oh shit. Oh holy fucking shit.

“Matt?” Mitch asks as he gets up, “are you okay?”

Matt flinches when Mitch touches his shoulder, “Yeah just, a second, just give me a second.” Matt pulls up his arms and buries his head in them so he can shut everyone else out. That same terror is creeping up his chest and leaving him feeling like he’s going to shake out of his skin. Everything is too tight, his shirt collar is too high, the muscles in his chest are constricting, if he closes his eyes he can’t see the purple stars forming in his field of vision.

Somehow he ends up on the ground with his head between his legs and someone’s hand on his back. That hand is rubbing up and down his back rhythmically, giving him something besides the fact that he can’t breathe to focus on.

“Hey, You with me?”

Matt doesn’t look up but he recognizes Hunwick’s voice. He nods.

“Okay, good, you feeling better? You need something.”

“Water.” Matt says.

“Okay, Mitch go get him water,” Hunwick sounds just like Matt would like to sound right then, calm and in control of everything, “You wanna tell me what happened?” he asks.

Matt looks up to see there alone in the lounge now, safe.

“We traded for Boyle,” Matt says,

“Yeah,” Hunwick nods, “we didn’t lose anyone Matt, it’s o…”

“We’re married,”

“What?”

“I was stupid, I was young, and in love and we got married,” Matt pressed the balls of his palms into his eyes, “then I fucked it all up and we’re...we’re still married but we’re separated and we traded for him.”

“Oh...Oh god,” Hunwick says

But then Mitch walks into the room and Hunwick purses his lips, an obvious sign of “I’m not going to say anything more.” 

Matt is glad for that and takes the water that Mitch hands him. Swallowing and drinking helps Matt after a panic attack, it releases all the tension in his mouth and throat and restarts everything. He feels a lot more settled but still doesn’t know what to do.

Mitch kneels down to try to talk to him, pulls out his phone to text Auston he’s okay, and still Hunwick stands off to the side making uncomfortable faces. And Matt can’t blame him. He didn’t just have panic attacks anymore, he hasn’t in years, so this was a big deal. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to get over this one. 

He has hockey to focus on, Hockey that isn’t Brian. So for the rest of the day he’s fine but then, at night, when he’s alone he pulls out his laptop and can’t stop himself from googling it.

Brian gave a phone interview a few hours after the trade and Matt wants to listen to it. Part of him knows it’s silly, Brian would never bring him up, would never do anything but sound as normal as he always does. He still listens to the whole interview, laying in his bed with his eyes closed and his earbuds in. Brian sounds soothing, and calm, Brian sounds  _ happy _ maybe not about the trade but in general. He hasn’t sounded like that in years.

Matt squeezes his eyes shut and lets out a shuddering breath. 

He doesn’t want Brian to lose that again.

 

*****

 

His phone rings at 6 am the next morning and he doesn’t even have to check who it is before he answers. Brian still has a special ringtone, special ring tone even though Matt’s changed phones countless of times.

“Hello,” He says, voice tired and contemplative. He doesn't know how this is going to go.

“My flight is leaving in a few hours,” Brian says, he sounds just like he did in the interview, normal. “I thought we should talk before I just showed up for the game today.”

“Yeah,” Matt says, before, “Hunwick knows.”

“What?” Brian doesn’t sound mad, just confused.

“Matt Hunwick, he’s a defenseman on my...our team.” Matt swallows. “When the trade went through I...and then I had to tell him.”

Brian’s voice drops into something more soothing, “Did you have a panic attack Matt?”

Matt nods before he realizes Brian can’t see him, “Yeah,” he admits, ashamed.

There’s a short pause where Matt can only hear Brian breathing, “that’s okay, Matt” Brian says, “You had to tell him, that’s fine.”

“And Mitch knows i’m dat...well” Matt takes a deep breath, “he knows I dated someone. A guy. I’m out to him. But he doesn’t know it’s you or that...it’s a hockey player.”

“Okay, that’s okay” Brian says, “that’s your decision.”

“Yeah,” Matt says, “I just...wanted to prepare you.” He pauses, “It’s a really good team, the young guys are amazing and a lot of fun. We struggled at the beginning of the season but it really feels like we can do something with ourselves now, after all of this.”

“Yeah” Brian says, “And I hear you need a centre.”

“Sosh too,” Matt says.

“Yeah,” Brian pauses, “I’ll be professional about it if you will.”

“Of course” Matt tells him. ‘Anything’ he almost says ‘anything you want.’ But he doesn't because that’s not professional and therefore would be contradictory. But just because he can’t say it doesn’t mean he won’t do it, won’t live by it. He doesn’t know how to tell Brian he won’t fuck up ever again, he has tried so many times. The only thing he has left to do is, follow through with it. As long as he doesn’t fuck up again he’s in the clear.

 

******

 

Seeing Brian in the dressing room that night is so much harder than Matt expected. He walks in late, in a suit that’s fitted tightly to his body, and moves with him so well. It’s a deep blue and Matt catches himself staring a few times as he shakes hands with a few of the guys around the room before going to his stall on the other side of the dressing room. 

Matt puts his head down then and goes about his routine. Brian has about 20 other guys to get to before he gets to Matt, so he’ll worry about it then. 

Brian doesn’t say anything to him until warm ups where he skates up to Matt and knocks him in the shin pads.

“Maybe teammates will work better for us” he says,

“Uh huh” Matt nods keeping his eyes locked on nothing in particular, just avoiding Brian’s gaze.

“I really don’t want this to be awkward,” Brian says.

Matt forces himself to turn his head then and stare Brian in the eyes, “of course not, I’m sorry, I’m just a little out of it still. But it’s not you or whatever.”

“Okay,” Brian nods, “You sure you're fine? You don’t get panic attacks much anymore.”

“What would you know about what I do anymore?” Matt asks, snaps.

Brian quirks an eyebrow but nods, “I guess not much.”

Matt misses the days where he at least had the will to fight back.

 

******

 

They play in Tampa before they even play in Toronto again. Brian invites a few of the guys back to his place. He offers the invite to Matt but Matt can’t go somewhere that was supposed to be his home too and pretend to be a visitor, he draws the line somewhere. So he says no, and it's not a big deal. Not everyone goes, Matt tells the ones who are going that he really just needs a nap because the season is wearing on him and no one blinks twice. 

The gathering doesn’t last that long because they have a game that night but Matt picks up from the conversations that Brian had Cally there as well. His best friend through everything. But that’s okay, it’s all fine, Matt didn’t go because that’s not his life anymore.

The game the night before was terrible, they were destroyed by Florida and it wasn’t pretty. Matt thinks it’s a good sign when the guys are more pumped for this game than any other all year, letting the loss from the night before propel them. 

And even more impressive, it works.

They’re going on all cylinders and even Matt manages to bang one home. It’s not a pretty goal but Brian gets the assist and jumps at him and Sosh. He tells Matt how great that puck was, tell him he worked hard for it. Matt beams at him, feels the rush all through him. It’s not the first goal he’s scored this season but it feels hugely important anyway, to get that goal for Brian against his former team. He thinks Brian sees how important it is too. 

After that game everyone is on a high and that's why he doesn’t expect it when Brian takes the seat next to him on the bus.

“We need to talk,” He says,

“Yeah sure, what about?” Matt asks.

“Um well,” Brian looks around and when he sees that they’re mostly being left alone he leans in closer and lowers his voice, “We should make it official you know?”

“What?” Matt asks.

“Like, the separation, we should get a divorce.”

“Um!” Matt says alarmed pulling back like he’s been hit. It gets everyone else's attention and Brian shakes his head, rubbing at his forehead annoyed and disappointed. Matt knows he’s fucked up but his husband just asked to divorce him so he thinks he has the right to. 

Matt finally leans back in to whisper shout at him “Why the fuck are you doing this here? Are you fucking crazy?”

“I didn’t know it would be a big deal,” Brian says back, “we haven’t been together in a very long time.”

“I know that, you think I don’t know that?” Matt can hear how hysterically he is and tries to bring it back, takes a few deep breaths and finally says, “Of course we can, I just don’t know why you had to do that here.”

“I’m sorry” Brian says, “That was in poor taste, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah,” Matt bites.

“You guys good?” They both look up to see Hunwick standing in the aisle next to them, “Anything you need?” He’s staring at Matt directly when he says that.

“I’m fine” Matt says, 

“Yeah, we’re good,” Brian agrees.

Matt wants to die.

 

******

 

A few days later and Brian still hasn’t brought it up, and Matt still aches in his core from it. To make matters worse Mitch gets mono and everything seemingly starts to spiral. They’re still playing good hockey but Matt is miserable. He didn’t know where he went wrong. Or well...he did but that was years ago. He hasn’t done anything since. He told Mitch that when you do your best good things come to you. Matt has done everything he could and still...his husband wants a divorce.

You can’t come back from that.

Matt can’t do this.

Mitch still plays even though he’s sick, even though he  _ shouldn’t _ . Matt doesn’t tell him to sit out because he’s the only good thing left in Matt’s life besides Auston but it’s a near thing. Mitch just shrugs and says hockey is worth it and he’s not really a child so Matt can’t tell him any different.

He does decide though that if he can’t be a good husband to Brian he can be a good caretaker to Mitch. That includes bringing him home cooked meals to practice because he’ll order chipotle that night if he’s left on his own.

“Marty you’re the best” Mitch throws an arm around his shoulders, “I wish you weren’t taken,”

Brian looks up at that and Matt pretends not to notice.

“Yeah?” He asks, “you’re a little young, Mitchy,” He smiles, tries to laugh but can’t manage it.

“Yeah, yeah,” Mitch says, “and you’re whole thing about how you don’t even see anyone anymore, how they’re all your stars and the rest of us are just lame skies with planes in them or something.”

Willy laughs, “What the fuck Marns,”

“I’m serious! Marty is the one who said it!” Mitch exclaims, “He’s in  _ love _ and the person he loves is the stars in all the sky and the rest of us just don’t compare. He doesn’t even  _ look _ because he’s so in love,” he turns to smile at Matt, “It’s cute,”

Matt nods back, “Yeah,” his voice cracks.

Mitch’s smile fades but Matt tries to smile back, he doesn’t want to turn this into a thing. He turns to look at Brian then though, and yeah. It’s going to be a thing.

When the rest of the guys are preoccupied with something else, finally, Brian grabs Matt none to gently by the arm and yanks him out into the hall away from everyone else. It should be scary but part of it feels so familiar that Matt melts into it, welcomes it. Things weren’t great when Brian used to do this to him but at least they were together when he did.

“What the fuck was that about the stars? I know we’ve been separated but you’re already that fucking in love with someone else? You couldn’t even wait to ask for a divorce? Are you serious Matt?”

“No I…”

“No you what? Was this an accident too? Like seriously have some tact. Don’t just start throwing yourself around at rand…”

“It’s you,” Matt cuts in.

“What?” Brian asks.

“I was talking about you.”

Brian pulls away then, “What?” he repeats.

“You’re all the stars in my sky and all that bullshit” Matt says, “I’m in love with  _ you _ . I’ve been in love with you for 6 years now, Brian. Months apart doesn’t change that. I’m in love with you.”

“Oh but…” Brian blinks, “the divorce.”

“I just want to make you happy” Matt feels his voice hitch, “I know I haven’t done that much for you but I want to now. I fucked up so bad when we were together Brian, I picked fights and I hurt you so much. But I’m in love with you and I’ve learned. If you want the divorce I want to give that to you but I...you’re my husband I don’t want that to change.”

Brian shakes his head and steps back, “Matt, what?”

“I’m sorry,”

“No, just” Brian steps forward against, grabs Matt’s arms and pulls him close, kisses him hard.

It’s not hot or lustful or full of passion, it’s quick and done fast, and Matt can feel the impression of his teeth through their lips. 

“What?” Matt asks.

“I’m in love with you too,” Brian says, “I don’t want you to be with anyone else,”

Their foreheads are resting against one another.

“Okay,” Matt finally says. He doesn't’ think he needs to say he doesn’t want to be with anyone else either. Brian doesn’t need to know he hasn’t touched anyone since, Brian doesn’t need Matt to start bragging how faithful he’s been. Matt doesn’t want to pat himself on the back here. He just wants Brian to trust him

“We should…” Brian starts

“What?” Matt cuts in fast, scared.

“Start over, clean slate,” Brian says, “Forgive each other.”

“You did nothing wrong,” Matt tells him, confused.

Brian shook his head, “I was terrible to you too, Matt” Brian says, his hands coming up to cradle Matt’s jaw, “I said some terrible things to you, scared you, yelled at you. I spent so much time just being angry at you when you were just trying to make it up to me. So I forgive you, and you need to start forgiving yourself. We both hurt each other. You’re not worse than me.”

“I  _ am _ ” Matt says, “I hurt you so bad Brian, I’ll never forgive myself for that.

“Matt,” Brian starts, “I hurt you too, you’re still hurt because of what I did to you.” There’s a pause where Brian strokes his thumb along Matt’s cheekbone, “Loving you wasn’t a fluke but we were too young. I’ve forgiven you now, I swear, it’s time you forgave yourself.”

“Okay, okay” Matt breathes, “I’ll do it just, promise not to leave me.”

“I promise.”   
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> So basically this story involves two people who get married at a young age and then have a dysfunctional relationship and no skills on how to fix it. It's made worse by the fact that no one knows they're married and in the instance of one character only one or two people even know he's gay. So they have no support and are emotionally immature to start. 
> 
> Addressing specific tags:  
> the infidelity is not seen per se but is talked about tirelessly to the point where it could be considered emotional abuse. The character who commits the infidelity only does it once but as the years go by the other cannot let it go. The person cheated on basically decides they won't leave the other but then whenever they get into a fight, as a way to "win" they bring up the cheating shutting down the others complaints. It's also alluded to who did it but since only a first name is brought up, that's basically up to you whether you believe it's who i implied or not.
> 
> The panic attacks are (again) had by Matt because i love to project my anxiety disorder. He has two on screen twice but the knowledge Brian has of them suggests they happen quite frequently more so when he was younger. The depictions of them relate to how I experience them which involve tightness of his chest that restricts breathing.
> 
> Also addressing the unreliable narrator stuff, idk how obvious it is but since Matt is the narrator and suffers from self loathing, he may come across in a bad light while the things other people do are more excused. that's not because what they do is okay or worse than him it's because he sees what he does as inexcusable but excuses them. So take with that what you will. 
> 
> I didn't tag emotional abuse but in regards to how they deal with the infidelity. You could argue that saying you forgive someone but then using their mistakes against them over the course of years as a way to silence them is emotional abuse. It's not purposeful and no one is really aware of it but it does happen. Again the point is to show that being mad and hurt is human and that no one is perfect but everyone is capable of growing and learning.
> 
> talk to me about this fic on [my tumblr](https://mitchmarnersnohomopillow.tumblr.com/) because. just. please. also leave kudos and comments because those mean the world to me!! but only if you want. obviously.


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